How on earth did we get here? “Here” being just 2 weeks away from my mastectomy and reconstruction. My last 2 weeks with my breasts. My last 2 weeks with nipples. My last 2 weeks of weight lifting, sleeping on my side/tummy, rough playing and lifting my child for the next couple of months.
The past couple of months have gone by so quickly. The calendar is inching toward April. It’s time for me to climb out of my hole of denial.
I’ve been thinking a lot about boobs lately. Obviously. Because I only have 6 weeks left with the ones that have been with me (in some form or another) since around age 10.
20+ years I’ve lived with these boobs…tatas…fun-bags…tits…breasts. And in less than two months they will be unceremoniously severed from my body, because they will likely try to kill me one day. Then they will be replaced by some excess fat from my abdomen.
Beyond just thinking a lot about boobs lately, I’ve specifically been thinking about the “why” of breast reconstruction. Why go through more pain and face more risks during surgery? Why do I want non-functional flesh mountains sewn onto my torso? Why bother?
It’s sort of hard to believe but my ovary and tube removal surgery was one month ago today! And honestly, I’m feeling pretty decent overall.
Hot flashes are still my primary symptom. And in addition to having a couple per night most nights I’ve learned some other fun hot flash triggers — exercise, alcohol, stress, humidity. I’ve thankfully only had one at work so far. But man was that unpleasant.
Other than the hot flashes I have a little hormonal acne (just like I would sometimes get right before my period) and insomnia (although it’s hard to tell if that might just be stress related). And that’s pretty much it. No out of control mood changes, my sex drive is still intact, and my pants still fit. So those are all good things.
Did you miss Part 1? Check it out here to catch yourself up before we continue onward with Part 2 of this boob-tastic drama.
So where were we? Oh yes…everything was settled. I had my breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, and surgery date all set. The only thing left to do was wait.
Not quite. Let’s pick it back up from where things were last month.
January 4 – I was in the driveway, peacefully digging my car out after a foot of snowfall when I heard the little ding of Facebook Messenger on my phone. I saw a message from another BRCA sister I’d connected with through a FB group, who was also using Dr. Levine. On his suggestion, she’d recently met with the same breast surgeon I saw a couple of weeks earlier. But then, a day after her appointment she got a phone call from the doctor’s office informing her that the doctor was cancelling all of her upcoming surgeries. Ummmm….what?! This had to be some sort of mistake. I felt my skin get hot and my heart start to race as I read her messages. I stepped in from the cold, my breathing fast and shallow, and I called the doctor. The office administrator I spoke with confirmed it. Yep. “She is taking a step back from the clinical side of things”. That’s what the voice on the phone told me. My surgery had been cancelled. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I was fuming. How could she have sat with me 2 weeks before, with that reassuring smile, talk about incision placement, healing, and schedule my surgery and then **poof** cancel it with no explanation.
When I take a step back it’s hard for me to believe that I am sitting here, right now, stressing out about scheduling my mastectomy. I’m so deep into the BRCA world…reading about it, researching it, talking to other BRCA sisters….that it all seems so normal. But it’s not. It’s really really fucking weird. But weird or not, here I am. Boob deep in The Great Mastectomy Saga.
I haven’t written much about this still unfolding chapter of my BRCA story…whether that is out of frustration or anxiety I’m not sure…but it’s causing me a lot of stress so rather than buying more chocolate to eat at my desk I’m gonna vent it out here. Let’s start at the very beginning…
It’s hard to believe that 1 week ago I was in the hospital, just waking up from my sedation haze after the removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. It feels both like much longer ago than that but also like it just happened.
Overall, I’m feeling really good. I went back to work yesterday, my pain is practically non-existent (my incision sites are getting itchy as they heal but barely hurt), and aside from a couple annoying hot flashes each night while I’m sleeping I haven’t noticed much in the way of menopause symptoms yet. I’ve also been feeling a bit more easily fatigued than usual but it’s hard to say if that’s related to the hormonal stuff or still just my body recovering from surgery.
It’s officially been 3 days since my bilateral salpingo oophorectomy (aka BSO, aka ovary and tube removal surgery)…and all in all I think recovery is going pretty well. If you want more info than that vague statement provides, whether to keep up-to-date with me or perhaps to prepare yourself for the procedure, well I’ve got you covered.