Trying, Quitting, Carrying On

For the past couple of weeks the feelings of sadness, fear, and anger have been pervasive.  This ectopic pregnancy has shaken me out of the place of peace it took me months to find after my BRCA+ diagnosis. It’s all of those same feelings all over again. That I’m broken, defective, a failure of a woman.

I’m riding on a pendulum swinging back and forth between two extremes.

On the one side is my deep desire to have another child. To be a mother to a new life. To give my son a sibling. It’s the side that wants to start trying again as soon as the doctor gives okay (which is usually 3 months after an ectopic pregnancy treated with methotrexate).

The other side desperately wants to quit. To give up on the hope to bear another child. To get my surgeries ASAP so I can go on living without this constant fear of cancer. To feel like I am moving forward and taking action, rather than treading water waiting for something to happen. To make peace with my family the way it is and start looking into other options like adoption.

There’s real emotion on both sides. The thought of having another baby fills me with so much joy and the idea of letting go of that hope feels like quitting. But with the joy comes fear. Fear that I’ll face another loss (which is significantly more likely now after this ectopic). And fear that putting off the surgeries could result in me getting cancer.  The thought of choosing to go ahead with my surgeries feels like sad resignation. But it also feels like action. Like I’m taking control.  And from where I stand right now, the “right” choice seems totally obscured.

I just wish I could peek into the future and see how things would turn out based on which path I choose…like sneaking a look at the endings of a Choose Your Own Adventure book. But that’s not reality. I can only make one choice, and the possible outcome of the other will forever be unknown.

I’m waiting for some moment of clarity or an epiphany that will make my decision crystal clear. But that is probably not going to happen. More likely it will be a slight tipping of the scales in one direction or another…choosing to take path A or B while still filled with doubt. And I’m just going to have to learn to live with that.

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